I Confess that I am Not Religious

Religion is a difficult topic of discussion since it has always played a huge part of my identity and my lifestyle. I grew up as a Protestant Christian and my family did the "Christian" things. We went to Church, celebrated the holy days, participated in the church events and practiced giving. It was a routine. A practice. Rituals. Rules.

The worst part of it all was the expectation that this was the only way to practice faith. If I didn't read the bible, go to church, help at Sunday school, sing in the choir etc, I was not a good Christian. I experienced this odd sense of guilt whenever I couldn't complete this invisible "good Christian" checklist.

I felt as though something was wrong and there had to be something deeper to living a life as a Christian. I hungered for a deeper meaning to my shallow spiritual life and this propelled me into a spiritual awakening.

My world opened up when I travelled to the U.S for my education. I began to experiment and exposed myself to different people, churches and observed how people practices their faith. I kid you not, I tried it all.

I went to the Ethiopian, Nigerian, Spanish, African American, Caribbean, Korean and Indian churches. Apart from the cultural diversity, I observed the practice of different denominations Mennonite, Adventist, Non-denominational, Pentecostal, Catholic, Episcopal etc.

While there was diversity, it was oddly the same. The same expectation of following a routine. The same sermons. The same people in different skins. It made me wonder because Jesus himself lived such an impactful life that set a fire in people's hearts. Why was I feeling so bored, suffocated and repressed? Shouldn't the church be empowering us to be an impact?

At this point, I had delved so deeply into my study of the bible that I began to get dissatisfied with the repetitive sermons I have been hearing since I was a child. I grew more frustrated since there were many topics like sex, sexuality, domestic violence etc that were taboo. Overall, I felt uncomfortable with myself experiencing these rising conflicts within me. I felt confined by religion.

It took me a long time to realize that I can redefine spirituality for myself. There is a marked difference between spirituality and religiosity. God doesn't love me because of what I do but it is about who I am. I made a decision and stopped going to church or reading the bible like a mindless drone on autopilot. I had to stop practicing faith based on the expectations of others and turn inwards.

I began to opt for an organic spiritual practice that is intuitive and mindful of my relationship with Jesus. Here's the thing. I do read the bible but not daily. I sit with the same verses for days or even months till I have delved deep into them. This is my style.

I meditate and pray daily and am intentional about being still with God. Prayer feels as though I call my oldest friend on the phone every day and share my thoughts. As for my spiritual community, I have a few trusted people in my life and we share with one another consistently.

I keep Sundays as a day of gratitude to God where I reflect and praise. When there are issues that are beyond me, I go on fast of some sort to give me clarity. There are times I go on spiritual retreats, preach sermons in the church when requested, volunteer my time etc. The end goal is that I am free to practice as I wish. It's a passion that comes from within and not from the outside.

I am grounded, growing and glowing. Spirituality is a lifestyle. It shouldn't look the same for everyone. It doesn't have to be conventional. I admit that I am not the conventional Christian but I worship, love, follow and reflect Jesus in my own way.

Personally, I found that organized Christianity is not my cup of tea but there are people who deeply need this type of community, direction and structure. It is a resource for those who need it. It is also acceptable to navigate spirituality without it. At the end of the day, choose what is suitable for you.

We live in a world we fixate too much on the methodologies and ignore the core of what really matters. We propagate division, judgment and emphasize those aspects of us that make us spiritually superior when we are all the same. The world is in need of people who are willing to share the love of God and cast their light into the darkness.

Remember that nothing and no one should make you feel guilty about living an authentic life. We are meant to be free in exploring spirituality on our own terms and at our own pace. Thanks for reading this post and I wish you all the best on your journey of spiritual awakening!