The Invisible Lines Between Us

Cheers to the New Year! For the first post of this year, I wanted to reflect on the most important lesson I have been ruminating on in 2024.Boundaries.

As someone who has prioritized the welfare of other people for the majority of my life, my boundaries were nonexistent. I think that my Christian upbringing has contributed to this deeply ingrained mentality that it is okay for people to cross my boundaries. We have taken the beautiful sacrifice of Jesus on the cross as a misguided perspective of self-sacrifice.

This perception that we must continuously sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others regardless of the impact that it has on our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Interestingly, the reality is that Jesus is someone who was well aware of his needs and even withdrew from people to spend time in isolation.

Living my life as an expendable being has cost me greatly and I frequently found myself in a destructive cycle of burnout, low self-esteem, and neglect of my needs. I experienced many "bottom of the barrel" moments in various seasons of life. I felt empty and there is only so much you can do from a place of emptiness.

Experience taught me that the only solution to end this cycle of emptiness was to create and maintain boundaries. This is an aspect of my life that I have been working on this past year and it most definitely was not easy. If you are someone like me who struggles with boundaries, I hope that this post helps you in your journey in the creation and management of boundaries.

Yo! What are my Needs?

Before I understood what my boundaries were, I had to identify my needs as a human being. Each of us is unique and all of us have different needs. For example, I understood that I needed a lot of time alone to process my thoughts and emotions.

I need to spend some amount of time each day to journal, meditate, pray, and ground myself. Another example is that I prefer close intimate relationships where the connection is consistent and filled with meaningful conversations. I began to note what would happen if these needs weren't met. The result was an anxious, irate, angry human being.

In understanding my needs, I began to understand that there are certain aspects of myself that I need to live a meaningful life. This being the case, these needs have to be prioritized no matter what. By prioritizing my needs, I began to decline any relationship, situation, or opportunity that did not serve my needs or align with my values.

The Invisible Lines Between Us

Identifying my needs helped me organically identify my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries. Our emotions can also act as a compass for identifying boundaries.

The feeling I experience when someone does something that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, threatened, etc. For example, one of my acquaintances who I was not close to placed their hand around my shoulders and I immediately felt uncomfortable. This let me know that a physical boundary was breached.

Here's another example. There was a time when I was mentally and emotionally exhausted but my friend needed a listening ear. I knew that I would not have the capacity to be present for her without burning out myself.

This is an example of a mental and emotional boundary that taught me my limit as a human being. I think that identifying boundaries is a never-ending process since we are continuously learning about ourselves as we experience life. It was helpful to journal about these experiences as they happened and note down the boundaries that I discovered.

GPS Coordinates to my Boundaries

The curious thing is that not everyone tries to intentionally cross your boundaries. Initially, I used to get extremely upset because I expected people to know what my boundaries were.

While there are people who intentionally test your boundaries, there are also well-meaning people who aren't aware of your boundaries. This being the case, it was my responsibility to communicate and educate others about my boundaries. It gives people a clear guide on how to navigate a healthy relationship with you and it gives them an understanding of those behaviors that you won't tolerate.

The other aspect that I didn't anticipate was how people reacted to me communicating my boundaries. It wasn't always smooth and some people got defensive and took it personally. They made me feel like I was doing something wrong which made me doubt myself. It took some time for me to understand that I am not responsible for how other people react.

People who react poorly to your boundaries have no intention of treating you with respect. Now, I choose to focus on those relationships that respect and understand my boundaries.

Dude! Don't Cross My Boundary

So, I communicated my boundaries and unfortunately, some people continue to breach my boundaries regardless of repeated conversations and a gazillion chances. So, here come the consequences. There has to be some form of consequence when people breach our boundaries.

It doesn't mean that I go into rage mode and destroy them like a rabid beast. It could simply mean that I spend less time or energy depending on the nature of the relationship. There were times when I created distance. There were times that I walked away from the relationship.

I navigate the relationship based on my terms and I don't have to tolerate anything at the expense of my mental health. At the end of the day, I decided to engage with people who value, respect, and nourish me.

Cherie! It's a Line and not a Wall

I think of a boundary as invisible lines that protect us but it is important that we don't use them as walls to prevent us from exploring healthy relationships with others. I think that we have all been hurt by someone we love and there is no helping it since we are human beings.

It's easy to isolate ourselves and turn these boundaries into towering walls that keep us from sharing life with others. I struggled to find a balance and I think that I am still in the process of figuring this out. I am not an expert at boundaries but I can only hope that I get better one day at a time.